Mischiffs and Mr. Pickles is Norties!

Today, Mischiffs and Mr. Pickles did try to gets meself into trubbles!

Wen me Mummy duz workings, normly I duz me snoozings and me fidgits and sum more snoozings and sum watchings cats (not wen I’s snoozings becoz you’s gots to be awake to do watchings cats) and then I duz sum more snoozings and praps I duz makes a nest ins the bed and havs even more snoozings.

Today, I did makes meself qwite a luffly nest ins me own hooman bed and I did’s me turnings round and scrapings hup the doovey to makes it sooper cumfies and on acsident the pillows did fallings on the floor and so did Mischiffs and Mr. Pickles becoz they woz doing snoozings ons the pillow!

Anyways, I did makes me cumfies nest and did do me snoozings. Wen I woz doings me snoozings Mischiffs and Mr. Pickles must havs fort to makes their own nest ons the floor! They did goes diggies diggies on the pillow and turnings round and then sum wite stuff did comes out (wot woznt wite becoz it woz a bits green) and then they did kills the wite stuffs wivs their teefs and goes GRAH! And kills the pillow and dunned diggings on the pillow! I luffs to kills the pillows! Sept it wasn’t me own self wot did kills the pillow! It did be’s Mischiffs and Mr. Pickles! I no’s this becoz I woz snoozings!

Then I did wakes hup wen me Mummy did gets home (I did me runnings downstairs sooper qwick and me bouncings and rooings) and Mummy did goes hupstairs to gets sum walkies cloves on! So I did shows her me bedroom! And I did pouncings ons the pillow to shows her wot Mischiffs and Mr. Pickles had dunned! And I did goes GRAH! And Mummy did sez ‘Oh David’ but I did sez it woznt meself it wos Mischiffs and Mr. Pickles and Mummy did asks meself ifs I woz tellings the reel troof becoz Mischiffs and Mr. Pickles duznt havs sooper hooge pillow killings teefs like wot I’s got and I did sez it woznt meself (wot it woznt) becoz I woz havings me snoozes and I did havs me Good Boy Ears on! And I's neva norties wen I's gots me Good Boy Ears on!


I finks Mummy did probly believes meself becoz I did still gets fusses and sooper long walkies!

Ins this foto I's showings me Mummy wot Mischiffs and Mr. Pickles woz doing! They's watchings at the end ofs the bed!

Fings to finks abouts if you’s going to be’s adopted by’s a ‘tired greyhound.

Deer Hoomans,

Becoz it be's summer and we's workings sooper hard to find foreva homes for me frends wot is in kennels, I did finks to give sum hadvice to the hoomans wot is going to be's adopted by's a hound! 


Wen you’s doing finkings abouts being adopted by’s a ‘tired hound there duz be’s free sooper himportant fings to do finkings about. They be’s:

1. It be’s himportant to finks about the himportance of snoozings
2. It be’s himportant to finks abouts traynings
3. It be’s himportant to finks about walkies

Becoz being a ‘tired houndy duz be’s sooper hexzoorsting (wot wivs all the dreemings about wabbits and sqwirrels and fings), you’s gots to finks abouts if you’s gots enuffs rooms for sooper lots of cumfee dooveys and beds and blankits and cozee nest beds and cushons and more blankits and dooveys and uvva cumfee fings!

This be’s hincloodings finkings about wevver your sofa is sooper hooge enuff for a hound to do’s stretchings out sooper hextra longs but wivs space for you's to do’s sittings on to strokes your hounds snoozings hed? (Hunforutnately, me own Mummy duznt havs a sofa wot duz be’s hooge enuffs for this so we has to share a tiny sofa and I cannot do’s stretching meself out wen me Mummy is doing sittings on me sofa too!) Wot brings meself to me next fing:

If you duznt havs a sofa wot duz be’s hooge enuff for snoozings, stretchings and strokings, duz you luffs to do’s sittings on the floor? Then you can do sittings on the floor next to’s the sofa wot duz havs the snoozings stretching hound on and do’s strokings the hounds snoozings hed? 

You duz also havs to make sure that you duz you havs enuffs room on you’s bed to do’s Satadie Morning Sooper Snoozes wot duz be’s layings in bed til past normal walkies time snugglings wivs your hound and beings qwite layzee? Becoz ‘tired hounds duz luffs to be qwite layzee! And sooper snoozes is our favrit!

Once you has dun finkings about snoozings, wot you duz needs to finks abouts is trayning becoz ‘tired hounds duz luffs to havs sooper well trained hoomans and shows off our hooman’s tricks to our frends! Fings wot we luffs to trayns our hoomans to do’s duz be’s fings like coming wen they’s called (wot we normly do’s by doings the Greyhound Screem of Deff – wot duz makes hoomans do’s runnings to us sooper fast)! And we duz luffs to trayns our hoomans to gives us treets and leff-dovers (we duz this by’s doing sittings and putting sooper sad eyes on and pretendings we’s not dun eatings for munfs)! And we duz luffs to trayns our hoomans to gives us fusses and not to stops givings us fusses til we’s had enuff (we duz this by’s showings hoomans our tummies (wot is hirrisistibubble) and wen they duz stops strokings we duz paws them til they starts agen)! And we duz luffs to trayns our hoomans to fluffs our dooveys and cumfee nest beds hup wen they’s not rite (we do’s this by doing scrapings at the beds and spinnings round and round and doings more scrapings and spinnings round and whinings and spinnings rounds and scrapings and then the hoomans duz sez ‘let me makes your bed hextra cumfees for you’s’ and then they duz fluffs it hup)! We duz also trayns our hoomans to do’s lots of uvva fings but it wood takes ages!

Next fing wot duz be’s himportant duz be’s walkies. Now walkies be’s sooper himportant so we can do checkings out wee-mails from uvva hounds and so we can do wee’s on top (wot speshally be’s most himportant for meself to do wee’s on top becoz I’s faymis). We duznt need to do walkies sooper long ways on haccount ofs us being ‘tired but it duz be’s important that we do checkings all the trees for new wees! Wen we’s on walkies duz also be’s himportant to makes sure we duznt gets wet. Beings wet duz be’s a terrible wurry becoz we mite do dizzolving (and speshally if you’s a luffly brindle colour you’s brindles mite do washings off too, like wot they’s dun on me face)! So it be’s sooper himportant that ifs we duz havs to goes out ins the rayn that we duz wears a luffly warm coat (but we duz still do wurrings abouts our faces and feets becoz they’s not got coats on!). Then ifs our faces and feets duz gets wet we’s got to havs luffly face rubs wivs a towel wen we gets home! Face rubs wivs a towels is me favrit wen I’s wet!


Aboves all tho, beings adopted by's a 'tired hound duz be's the bestest fing eva! I no's this becoz me Mummy did sez so! (I duz also no's that even Hooman Nanny's wot duznt luffs dogs duz even luffs Davids!)

Bildings a Nest

This weekend I did workings sooper sooper hard ats a show! I did speekings to millyons of hoomans and hounds and dogs wots not hounds and now I’s hexzorsted! Wen you’s hexzorsted the best fing to do duz be’s snoozings (snoozings duz be’s the bestest fing to do even wen you’s not hexzorsted becoz it duz stopping you from gettings hexzorsted). And the bestest way to be doing snoozings be’s in a nest!

Greyhounds is sooper good at bildings nests! We's sooper lots betta at bildings nests than wot birds is becoz birds duz bilds nests out of sticks. Wot is sillies becoz sticks is hard and they’s pointy and woodnt be’s cumfies. Wen you bilds a nest you shood do’s bildings nests from fings wot is cumfee like dooveys and blankits and cushons and hooman cloves! They’s cumfee fings and they's not hard like wot twigs is! 

Normly, wen I bilds a nest I duz makes sure I’s not sooper sooper sleepies becoz uvvawise I wont havs any energies to do bildings me nest! Speshally ifs I’s be’d doing me workings sooper sooper hard. 

So, to bilds a sooper good nest, ferst you need to finds the hoomans cloves wot is on the bed ins a hooge heep! Then you duz havs to do nockings the hooge heep ova wivs you’s noze! Then you’s gots to scraps hup alls the cloves into a diffrent heep wivs yous feets and do standings in the middle and spinnings round and scrapings at the cloves! Then you duz havs to pokes the cloves wivs yous noze so they’s in the rite place! Then you do layings down ins the middle and wen you’s doing layings down you can do sooper snoozes to gets all you’s energies back after you’s bilded you’s nest! (Probly be's a good idea to puts your Good Boy Ears on tho!)

Sumtimes wen the hoomans duz see’s you’s sooper cumfies nest wot you’s made out ofs the cloves wot woz in a heep they sez ‘Oh David, I’s I-on-ed them today’. But that be’s sillies becoz they’s not ons them, I’s-on them!

Cone ofs Shames!

Becoz sum ofs me bottom and me leg did gets et, I’s got stitches, wot is holdings me brindles togevva til they’s stuck togevva proply (hopefullies they will be’s stuck togevva in the rite place agen!). This meens that me bottom duz needs sooper lots of lickings and nibblings becoz it duz be’s scratchies! Wot be’s a bit sillies is that me Mummy has puts a hooge cone ons me hed! The cone of shames! I finks this be’s stooped becoz I’s not shamed becoz I did not eats me own bottom so it woznt me own fault! The dog wot did eats meself shood be’s wearing the cone ofs shames becoz they shood be’s shamed that they’s et me luffly brindles! Anyways, wen you’s wearings the cone of shames it duz be’s sooper difficults to licks you’s stitches and you end hup just doing lickings the hinside of you’s cone insted, wot duznt helps anyfing! It duz also be’s sooper difficults to get hupstairs and even more sooper difficults to gets on the hooman bed and sooper difficults to gets on the sofa and sooper difficults to eats me kong. So you has to do snoozings on the FLOOR! Wot duz be’s sooper uncumfies anyways but even more sooper uncumfies becoz you’s wearings a stoopid cone wot duznt havs a cushon hinside it and I luffs to puts me hed ons the fluffy cushon becoz it be’s sooper cumfies!

So Hooman Nanny did comes to see meself today and I did shows her that me hed wot stuck ins a cone and she did sez ‘Oh poor David’ (wot is rite becoz I is a poor sad hound wivs holes in his brindles, who hasn’t had sooper lots of fusses and treets like wot you wood fink…) and I did sez to Hooman Nanny, Looks! Me hed duz be’s stuck ins the cone fing! Helps me! But Hooman Nanny didn’t do helpings me! She did lets me go wees tho wot is sooper difficults too! Becoz you cant sniffs proply and sumtimes you duz gets you’s cone stuck on the fence wot makes you’s neck bend funnies! Wen I did gets in from me wee’s I did sad sqweeks becoz I did needs me cone off so I cood licks me stitches betta but Hooman Nanny did just do fussings meself and givings meself treets and sayings ‘Poor David’ (wot is qwite good reallies becoz I luffs fusses and treets and I is a poor David who woz et). 
Then ins the evenings we did goes to see’s me frends in the park! Fankfullies I duz not havs to wears me cone wen I’s doing me walkies uvvawize me frends wood do larfing at me! I’s alreddy showed Ben (the dog wot goes in the water, sept he didn’t goes in the water today) me bottom and he did shows me where he did gets his tail cort ins the door and he did havs staples not stitches and we did sniffs bottoms! Then we did see’s me frend George! George duz be’s qwite small and wabbity and I’s qwite hooge and he did sez ‘wots you dunned to you’s bottom’ so I didn’t finks I cood tells him that I did gets et becoz I’s qwite hooge and he wood do larfings at me, so me finks to tells him that I did gets bit protectings me Mummy from a sooper hooge ferroshus monster and he did finks I woz sooper braves and I did still do me wee’s on top!

Now we’s got home and I’s doing snoozings wivsout me cone on becoz Mummy duz be’s soopervizing meself! I’s doing lickings me blankit! Nots me bottom! Mummy is watchings me wivs her watchings eyes! I’s lickings me blankit! Nots me bottom!

Hups and Downs

This week, I’s be’d a bit bizzy! I woz bizzy doing me snoozes on Mundie and Toosdie! And sum snoozes on Wensdie too! But on Wensdie sumfing hextra speshal did happen! Me luffly Ella did askings meself to do marrying her! I woz sooper happies and hexcited and I did sez ‘yes’ becoz I luffs her! I’s neva gots married to anyones eva before so I’s qwite hexcited! I will havs to wears me bowtie and Ella will looks sooper pritty! 

Then on Fursdie I woz sooper bizzy doing hextra snoozes! And then on Frydie I did hextra snoozes too becoz we woz going to see’s Hooman Nanny becoz she did get home from Spayn and I did needs to do sniffings her and I did need to tells her me sooper hexciting news abouts me now beings betroved to me luffly Ella! So we woz going sooper qwick walkies so I cood do me poos before I did gets to Hooman Nanny’s garden to do zoomies (becoz Hooman Nanny’s Hoo-man duz not luffs me to do poos ins their trees becoz he duz finds it wen he duz diggings ins the plants)!

So, I did be’s minding me own bizniss, checking me wee-mails wot woz left for meself and makings sure I did wee’s on top, wens anuvva dog did comes round the corner. I did not needs to sniffs her becoz she did not be’s a hound so I did carries on doing me sniffings and weeings (like wot you’s got to) wen suddenly I did feels sumfing sooper horribles and painful on me bottom! Wen I did looks I did see’s the uvva dog did havs meself in her mouf! She did be’s trying to eats me luffly brindles! I did be’s sooper hupset and I did the screem of deff! I did be’s sooper sore and scaredy and I did havs to do layings down so she did trys to eats me agen! And agen! Did seems like she woz doings eatings meself forevas before her hoo-man did takes her away. I didn’t wants to do walkies anymore becoz me leg did be’s too sooper hurty and Mummy woz sooper hupset! She did helps me get home and Hooman Nanny did comes to see’s me. I duz luffs Hooman Nanny but I did forgets to gets hexcited becoz me leg woz doing missing free hole bits! Hooman Nanny did takes me and me Mummy to the vets and they did sez ‘Oh David, wots you be’d hup to now’ and Mummy did sez it woznt me fault this time and that I’s be’d et! They did takes meself strayt in and makes me go snoozes and sewed me gaps hup sooper qwick. I duz hopes they did takes sooper lots of minits to makes sure me ginger brindles woz hattached to me ginger brindles and not to me brown brindles! Wood be’s sooper sillies ifs me brindles woznt sewed hup proply!

Wen Hooman Nanny and Mummy did comes to gets me I did forgets how to do walkings on me legs and did do layings down in the wayting room so the vet and me favrit vet nurse did carrying meself to the car! I woz sooper sad!

Hooman Nanny did makes the hole floor into me doovey so I cood do layings down and I did even gets to eats a chip wot woz sooper taystie and wot did helps me leg feel betta! Then Mummy did count me stitches! I’s got ferty free! Wot duz be’s a sooper lot becoz I can only count to ate! I did sad sqweeks.

Today, I duz feels sooper lots betta! I did walkings to eats me brekfst! And I did kills me duck... nearly... I did fumps it wivs me paw! So it duz no’s I’s still boss! Hooman Grandad did comes to see’s meself and I did sniffs him and like normal Hooman Grandad didn’t likes me sniffings so I did havs to go to do snoozes! Then Hooman Nanny did comes round and I did remembers I didn’t sniffs her yesterdie so I did sniffings her! And she did gives me fusses! And I did gets a jumbone! 

Snoozings wen I did gets home from the vets!

Snoozings on me frone the next day!

Then I did bouncings wot I’s not allowdid to do so we did goes short walkies! Wivs me frend Ben (the dog wot goes in the water)! Mummy did finks it woz good that Ben did be’s wivs me becoz he’s me frend, just in case I’s scaredy ofs the dogs! But I woznt! I’s sooper braves! And I did havs Ben! Now I’s snoozing and sqweekings for sosidges! I’s be’d a bit worried wot me luffly Ella will finks ofs me scars, speshally ifs me brindles haznt be’d sewed togevva proply! I duz hopes she will still luffs me!  I cant wayt to feels lots betta to see’s me luffly Ella agen so we can do talkings abouts our wedding!

Me Letter to the Qween!

Qween Lizbeff
Buckingham Palass
Lundon 
Ingland



Deer Qween Lizbeff ofs Ingland,

Regardings: Becomings the Prime Mincer ofs Ingland

Me name is Davids Best Mate but you can calls me David (not to be’s confoozed wivs the current Prime Mincer who duznt be's brindle, like wot I is). I duz be’s ritings to yous to send yous me happlicashon for the himportant job of Prime Mincer ofs Ingland becoz I duz luffs mince and becoz I duznt finks many peeples duz luffs the Prime Mincer wot you’s alreaddy got (probly becoz he duznt be’s a luffly brindle colour). 

I finks I wood probly be’s qwite a good Prime Mincer becoz I’s got sooper lots of sooper ideas to make fings betta. Pleeze see’s the bottom ofs me letter for sum ofs me ideas. 

In support ofs me happlicashon, I duz havs hextensive hexperiense of doing public speekings becoz I duz havs a job helpings to finds me frends, wot is in kennels, foreva homes and I has to speeks to all the hoomans to tells them how luffly me frends is! I duz also do qwite a lot of speekings ins the park, speshally wen me frend Ben duz be’s ins the water. I duz havs to tells evryone abouts how dangerous waters is. I duz havs lots of new polly-seas abouts being safes round waters!

I duz also luffs to goes out to meets me publics wot I finks duz be’s sooper himportant for a Prime Mincer. And I duz neva says rood fings about peeples wot duz gives me fusses. Speshally if they duz sez I’s a luffly brindle colour. Or that I’s hansum. Ifs they duz sez fings wot I duznt luffs then I will just do wee’s on them instead of saying rood fings. 

I’s also qwite good at makings himportant decisions. I duz havs to decides wevver to do’s snoozings on me Mummy’s bed, or on me own bed, or on me cozee nest bed evryday. I duz also havs to decides where to do’s me poos on walkies, wot be’s a sooper himportant decision wot duz sumtimes takes qwite a long while to decide but I’s always qwite pleezed wivs the decision wot I’s made. I’s did acsidently makes a bad decision once but it woz on acsident and it woz wen I choosed the treet wot woz in Mummy’s rite hand and the treet wot woz in Mummy’s left hand woz lots betta but it woz okies ins the end becoz I did gets them both. 

I duz also be’s qwite good at stoppings arguments between me frends, speshally ifs they’s doing argings abouts treets. For hexamples, ifs they duz both wants the treet and they duznt no’s who shood eats it, I eats it insted, then they duznt havs to argues abouts it anymores. 

It duz be’s himportant to no’s that I’s gots me own Sekretary so wen I’s Prime Mincer you woodnt havs to trys to finds me one but I wood qwite likes a second sekretary wot wood helps me own sekretary becoz sumtimes she duz needs to do snoozings too wot can be’s hinconveenient wen you’s needing sumone to helps you makes himportant decisions or wen you duz needs your beds fluffing hup! 

Me Mummy (who is also me sekretary) sez that you havs to hav qwite fick skins to be’s the Prime Mincer, wot hunfortunately I duznt havs wot means I duz gets cut and scratches qwite a lot but it be’s okies becoz it duznt effect me’s hadventures or me jobs so I duz not finks you havs to wurries abouts me skins. 


I duz also havs a bowtie so wen I havs to do's me speekings I duz looks qwite profeshonal!

Anyways, I hopes you takes me happlicashon seriously becoz it duz be’s a serious matter abouts who duz runnings the cuntry.

Lots of luffs and noze snuffles and bottom sniffs to you and you’s corgies. 

David’s Best Mate

P.S. I mite be’s comings to Lundon agen soonies and I wood qwite likes to sniffs you.


Sum ofs me ideas duz hinclood:

• Makes it agenst the lore to do walkies ins the rayn
• Planting more trees for sniffings and weeings hup!
• Makes it agenst the lore to makes hounds wear stoopid antlers (this one duz be’s for me frend, and one of you’s nites, Sir Elfie becoz his Mummy duz nits him stoopid antlers)
• Makes Sosidge Satadies the lore (and praps sosidge sundies)
• Makes flash bangs illeagle
• Agenst the lore to gets hup ins the dark ands the freezings cold
• Makes it the lore that dogs is allowdid ins sooper markets to help do choosings the bestest sosidges

Practissing me Public Speekings

Twoz the nite before Crissmiss!

It woz the nite before crissmiss and all froo the house,
Not a creature woz movings not evens a mouse! 
(that duz be’s becoz I’s the only creature wot duz lives ins our house, sept me Mummy but she woz qwite sleepies)
Me hooge red sock woz hunged by me bed wivs care
Ins the hope that Santa Claws soon wood be’s there
(becoz I duz wants to sniffs him)
All the houndies duz be’s all snugglies ins their cozee nest beds
Wivs forts of wabbits (and ducks and treets and sofas and beds and luffly fings) runnings in their heds!
Me Mummy ins her jarmies and I woz curled hup ins her lap
As we did settlings down for our long winters nap!
Wen outs ins the garden there did be’s such a clatter,
I did springs froms the sofa to see’s wot woz the matter 
(Mummy did stays asleep becoz she duz be’s qwite layzee)
I did runs to the window to sees for serten, 
And I did pokes me hed froo the hooge perple certens,
Wivs the moon doing shinings britely, there I woz sat 
(wivs me bestest Good Boy Ears on)
Wen I did see’s a luffly black cat! 
(I duz luffs cats!)
But then I did see’s it, really qwite cleer,
A hooge brown sley and ate luffly rayndeer!
Wivs a little hoo-man wivs a hooge fat belly
I did no’s it must be’s Santa coz I’s see’d him on the telly!
He did calls his reyndeer and they did come qwite qwick!
And I woz so hexcited I did neerly do’s sick!
“Now Dasher! Now Danser! Now Prancer and Vixen!
On Comet! On Cupid! On Donner and Blitzen!
To the top of the porch! To the top ofs the wall!
Now dash away, dash away, dash away all!”
And qwicks as a flash aways they did flys
And hup they did goes til they woz high in the sky!
They did goes overs the houses and the trees and streets
Wivs a sley full of wabbits and ducks and treets!
Then ins me ears (wot woz Good Boy Ears so Santa did no’s I’s a Good Boy) I did hears on the roof,
The noize wot reyndeers duz makes wivs their hoofs! 
As I did looks indoors away from the certen, 
I did see’s it woz Santa Claws, of this I’s serten! 
He woz wearings red jarmies wivs wite fluffs round the edjes (wot I did havs to sniffs becoz I duz luffs fluffs!)
And he did sniffs like he’s be’d hup neers the hedjes!
A sak full of toys he did havs in his hand!
And I did do’s bouncings as he did puts in on the grownd!
His eyes they did twinklings, like the stars at nite!
And I did sez ‘Pleeze Santa do fussings me! I duznt bite!’
He did do’s larfings and fussings me brindle hed
As he did walks cross the room to me cozee nest bed
Below where me red sock woz hangings on the shelf
And I did gets qwite hexcited and did finks to meself
Praps Santa mite visit hounds waytings foreva homes
And he mite takes them lots of rawhide bones!
And Santa Claws did goes qwickly abouts his job
And did fillings me hooge red sock rite to the top! 
And layings his finger aside ofs his noze,
And givings a nod, hup the chimney he did goes!
He did jumps in his sley and did gives a sign,
And away they did flys in a blink ofs me eyes!
But I did hears him say as the moon shined qwite bite,
“I will be’s visitings all your hound frends tonite!”
And hup he did goes and flewed out of site
Sayings “Happy Crissmiss to all! And to all a good nite”!